19 July 2017

Is it our fault?


I've been a friend to my "friend" almost 7 years. We are in our relationship nearly for 5 years. Everyone asked me, why I choose to be in this relationship for so long? It is not good knowing each other for so long and haven't married yet. They judged I did a sin because we go out together, have fun and do lots of things together without any status. (Which closely have a same meaning like a normal friends but the different is we have feeling on one another so it sounds wrong.) I've listened to those questions and statements for so damn long and I'm just smile and replied no answer. Not because I have nothing to say. But because my answer is quite long and I bet you won't be able to listen to it. and I bet, you're asking without any intention to listen to my answer so yes.

The Old Couple

In the name of Allah, who is in this world want to be in the relationship for years and don't want to end it with marriage? In Islam, marriage is the real relationship. Other than marriage, is nothing. But let me explain, it is not me who decided to meet him in 2010. It is not me who gave him a feeling to love me in 2013. It is definitely not me who helped him to find me in 2013 after a long lost contact. Not me who bring affection is his heart. It is not me who hold his heart for not giving up on me till now. And I have no right to blame him to like me. it just the time hasn't come yet.

Same goes to me. My life is held by my lord. I have no right to conquer it. I have no power to decide what is going to be in my future or right now.  I've rejected him thrice and he keep coming back. Is it my fault if I started to accept him? Everything is in His hands. I'm only able to attempt and pray, what is going to be after that is definitely beyond my power. So don't you dare to ask me something which is obviously in His hands. because that's His job, not mine. So who am I to question Him?

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But everyone put a blame on me. You just don't get me nor understand me so don't say anything. You are not standing in my shoes. Try to put yourself in my situation. we are separated by miles and it's hard for us to meet but we try our best to meet. yes, our best. How to prevent ourselves not to meet someone we love for years? It had been 5 years and you are trying to say it is wrong for us to meet. If it happen to you, can you do it? You are prohibiting us to get married, hold on, do not rushing, finish our degree first, make money first, prepare everything first and there is no problem with that. but at the same time everything we did was wrong and it is a fault if we always meet so which path should we follow? again. is it our fault to meet each other in 2010? is it our fault to have this kind of feeling? I didn't ask for it. seriously.

O Allah, explain to me why this situation happen. Why I meet 'someone' too early and we can't be with one another? I just want a reason so I can understand.

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There are people tested this way, there are people who got tested that way. There are people tested no pairs, there are people tested married early and divorced, there are people tested have no children and there are people tested have a pair, love long and haven't married yet. So who's to blame? Them? Their creator? Everyone tested with different tests. Whether we are strong enough to past it or not? If we are not, we will give up.

If I can choose my destiny, I will ask Allah not to know him on 2010 so he won't admit that he loves me. I will ask Allah to prevent him to find me in 2013 too so he won't bring me to his family and the love won't get strong. It is not in my jurisdiction. If I can choose my destiny, I'm not going to make neither money nor time as our problem. I'm going to put everything at ease just like a fairy tale.

15 July 2017

I obey, Lord


اِنَّ صَلاَتِي وَنُسُكِي وَمَحْيَايَ وَمَمَاتِي ِﷲِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ

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Im planning, You are planning too. But you are planning with love and You knew everything beyond future while Im not. totally not. WaAllahu ya'lamu waantum la ta'lamu. Dear Allah, if I asked something that is not good for me and not belongs to me, replace it with something better than what I've been asked. Strengthen my faith so that I won't blame You if anything beyond my expectation happen to me. Remind me that my life is Yours. You have Your right to conquer it. I have to follow Your rules. I have to hold on to You. I have to keep my iman straight.

Only You knew what is the best for me and my future. I lend my everything on You. Surely, my prayers, my sacrifices, my life and my death are for You.

I asked You even though I already knew in the end, You will decide what is the best for me and I have no power to change it. But that is because I only have You to share my stories, my prayers, my tears and my everything. Because I know You will always be with me. Closer than my pulses. Closer than my heartbeats. O lord, I know I made lot of mistakes. I did sins. Im a sinner. But please Im begging, do not deny my prayers because of the mistakes that I have made. There is no god but You. The most gracious the most merciful. If not on You, on whom else should I ask?

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O lord, please make things easier for us and do not make things difficult for us. Ease our way if we are doing good deeds and end it with goodness. Do not make barriers for us that can make us give up on Your path. Let not our hearts deviate from your path after You have guided us. 

O Lord, let us meet good people that can bring us closer to You. Keep us away from people who do not really care about us. Keep us away from people who thought that we are not important in their life and please keep us away from people who will surely take us for granted. Fill our hearts with patience, kindness and strength.

O Allah, I've been waiting for so long and I didn't put a single blame on anyone. If keep waiting is the best for me, make me believe that this is my destiny. and if what You have planned was the other way around, make things easy for us. WaAllahi, my intention is only for You.

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Dear god, keep sadness and madness away from us. and keep patience and happiness closer to us. Dear god, hear our prayers, put them at ease and make them come true. aamiinn. Dear lord, whatever things that You are already set for me, surely I will obey.